Episode 5: Yummy Bummy

Transcript:

Hi, kids! Captain Bummer here. Ya know, when I was a kid, the Holiday season was my favorite time of year. And ya know what else? It still is. In the US, this season starts with Halloween, where you get lots and lots of candy. Next, comes Thanksgiving, where you eat lots and lots of turkey and pie (though I usually just skip the turkey). After that is Christmas, which some people like for presents, but for me it's lots and lots of frosted cookies. And a little later comes New Year's, where you drink lots of fizzy, sugary liquids and eat lots of cake--for 2 days without sleep. Candy, pie, cookies, and cake--it's just one long, gigandous parade of sweet, yummy treats. I wish it would never end, but unfortunately, human beings can't handle that much sugar and fat [pout]. We need to balance it with plenty of protein, minerals, and vitamins to stay healthy. If you don't get enough of even one of these, it can lead to diseases that are so horrible I can't bear to describe them, but suffice it to say that some part of the body becomes discolored, disfigured, disfunctional, or falls apart all together [pout].
 
Stick Figure: Captain, oh captain?
Captain: [To camera] It's our good friend, Stick Figure. [To SF] Hey, Stick Figure!
Stick Figure: Hi, Captain. I'm trying to match all of these vitamins and minerals to nutritional diseases, but I don't know how.
Captain: Oh. [To camera] Will you help Stick Figure match nutrients to diseases? You won't? What's the a matter with you? [To SF] I'll help you, Stick Figure.
Stick Figure: Thanks! The first mineral is calcium.
Captain: Ah, yes, calcium. Got milk? If you don't, you might get ... osteoporosis. Even more likely if you're old and female.
Stick Figure: Yay, our first match! Next is iron.
Captain: I am Ironman. Just kidding, I'm really just Captain Bummer, but I have enough iron to avoid getting ... anemia.
Stick Figure: Wow, Captain, I wish I could know stuff like you. Here's our first vitamin, it's B1.
Captain: Also known as thiamine. And without enough of it, you might get beriberi.
Stick Figure: Thank you beri, beri much, Captain.
Captain: Ha-ha, good one, Stick Figure!
Stick Figure: Okay, Captain, how about vitamin C?
Captain: Oh, that's my favorite disease: scurvy. It's big with pirates--ar-r-rh! Remember: fight scurvy--eat a lime.
Stick Figure: Wow, only 2 more to go! Vitamin D. Wait, I know that one. Some of my friends have it. It's rickets!
Captain: Good job, Stick Figure. And I guess our last match must be vitamin E and Ataxia.
Stick Figure: You did it, Captain! Thank you!
Captain: All in a day's work. Say, Stick Figure, you might consider eating more sugar, fat, and protein--you're looking a little thin.
Stick Figure: I would, Captain, but I live in a place with barely any food at all. My brothers and sisters have all died of starvation.
Captain: [pout] Wow, Stick Figure, you're bumming *me* out, and that's *my* special power. Here, have my Almond Joy, I don't like coconut, anyway.
Stick Figure: Thanks, Captain! See you later.
Captain: Goodbye, Stick Figure!
 
Gotta love that Stick Figure. Now in most developed countries, you probably don't need to worry about getting a malnutrion disease, let alone starving to death like poor Stick Figure's siblings. But you do need to worry about the opposite problem of getting too much sugar, fat, or just too much food energy all together. When you eat more energy than you use, the left over energy turns into body fat, and too much body fat can lead to all sorts of life-threatening problems such as diabetes, heart disease, and sleep apnea [pout]. Even worse, many people will prejudge you if you simply look too fat [pout]! Now, Captain Bummer doesn't care if you have too much body fat--I've built up a pretty big pouch of it myself--but a lot of people will think or say mean things about you--maybe because it makes them feel better about themselves, I don't know. I do know that most people spend a lot of time, energy, and money on maintaining a socially acceptable weight level, and that there are a bazillion different diets and exercise routines that have been invented just for this purpose, and that some people even make themselves throw up or starve themselves to death just to avoid looking fat [pout]! And I can tell you from experience that it gets harder to manage weight as you get older.
 
Hairy ears and hemorroidal tissues
Were not there on graduation day
Just "Congratulations" and a whole lot of "I'll miss you"
Then they sent me on my way
My metabolism slowed down
I gained a little weight [before/after]
My shirts rode up
And my pants crept down
Now I'm serving a big plate of
 
Butt crack, butt-a-butt-a-butt-a-butt-a-butt-a
Buttcrack
 
So if you see 'em scrubbin' floors or fixin' decks
Or peaking under hoods, try not to freak
Just try to picture it as the top of a heart
Or two lovers dancing cheek-to-cheek
Put yourself in their position
Cut them a little slack
Just count to two
'Cause it could be you
Oh please don't turn your back on
 
Butt crack, butt-a-butt-a-butt-a-butt-a-butt-a (4X)
Buttcrack
 
So you see kids, eating the right amounts of the right foods is a chore you'll have every day for the rest of your life--and it keeps getting worse until you die. But at least eating can be fun, so try to enjoy yourself and not worry so much about what others think. If nothing else, know that Captain Bummer won't think any less of you if you are too skinny are too fat--I've got more important things to worry about, like if there will even be any food tomorrow. Oh, and BTW, if there wasn't any food one day, the fat people would outlive the skinny people ... unless the skinny people ate the fat people [pout].
 
Now it's time for me and you to go
Chances are that one of us won't reshow
We'd be apart for good
Goodbyes can be forever
Goodbyes can be for good
For good, for good, for good goodbye!
 
To learn more:
http://cswd.org/docs/facts.html
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Malnutrition
http://nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/eating-disorders